ESPN

Week 1 was quite the bumpy ride, wasn't it, gang? Here, we were only 7-9 against the spread, and 9-7 picking the winners straight up. Sure, we could complain about that last-second score by Carolina or the one in Miami that didn't come through. If those two plays had flipped locales, we'd be 11-5. But that's not what happened, and my aunt is still my aunt. And sure, Tom Brady's injury certainly made that double-digit line virtually impossible for the Patriots to cover, but again, we make no excuses, save to say that the reason Week 1 was so hard to predict is that we really didn't know what to expect from most teams, especially those with new faces. Sure, some teams looked awful (we're looking at you, Detroit) and some looked like juggernauts (Denver scoring 41? Wow!), but that doesn't mean it's going to play out the same way this week. The trap we have to avoid in Week 2 is falling prey to first impressions. Speaking of first impressions, how many of you checked in to the debut episode of "90210" last week? Truly awful, especially in the dialogue department, but don't take my word for it. See for yourselves, as we go over my selections for Week 2, accompanied by some of the best of the worst spoken by the newest class of West Beverly. Enjoy!

Sunday, September 14

Tennessee at Cincinnati (-1½)

"At least I got someone who cares enough about me to slap me." Yes, Vince Young may feel like he's being treated like an adopted child, but the fact is that the fans only boo because they care. But with Young out and Kerry Collins in, the Titans are a different team. But since they won last week, being different isn't necessarily a good thing.

Prediction: Bengals by 2

New Orleans at Washington (-½)

"Everyone comes with some baggage." Pity poor Drew Brees, who now has to try to succeed in the passing game without Marques Colston, lost to a bad thumb. Well, every team has its bumps and bruises along the way, and the good ones manage to overcome. Even if the Saints aren't good, Washington's defense may simply be bad enough for that not to matter.

Prediction: Saints by 7

Chicago at Carolina (-3½)

"They're my pigs, sir, and I can prove it. They respond to their names when called." Yes, a character actually said that. Seriously. Now, to spin it. Matt Forte responded when his name was called, and he should do be able to prove it wasn't just a lucky start, thanks to his offensive line, who may or may not bear a slight resemblance to porcine creatures.

Prediction: Bears by 1

Buffalo at Jacksonville (-6½)

"See ya around, Cheetah Girls. Try not to break a nail!" Cheetahs, Jaguars, same difference. Jacksonville's offensive line is certainly a shell of its former self, now without Richard Collier, Vince Manuwai, Maurice Williams and Brad Meester. Something tells us Jack Del Rio will rally the troops and they'll find a way.

Prediction: Jaguars by 2

Green Bay at Detroit (+2½)

"Do you want me to kick his ass? Because I could totally do that for you." Aaron Rodgers took on the leadership role left behind by Brett Favre, and gave a Week 1 message to all would-be bullies that the Packers are not to be trifled with. After watching Detroit give up close to 500 yards of offense to Atlanta, we doubt Green Bay will get any lip in Week 2.

Prediction: Packers by 4

Oakland at Kansas City (-3½)

"Everyone knows McLovin. No one has any clue that Topeka is the capital of Kansas." Yes, I realize the Kansas City in question here is the one from Missouri, but the point remains that it's easy for people to forget that there are some pretty darn good football players on the Chiefs. With Damon Huard now throwing to Tony Gonzalez and Dwayne Bowe instead of Brodie Croyle, their value only increases.

Prediction: Chiefs by 2

Giants at St. Louis (+8½)

"I'm the first to admit that I wasn't the greatest guy back then.'' ''I'm more concerned with the kind of guy you are now." Who cares about how average Eli Manning was two years ago, or even most of last year? All that matters is the swagger he's exhibiting today. And against that St. Louis secondary, Eli's going to make the Rams wish they were playing against Peyton instead.

Prediction: Giants by 10

Indianapolis at Minnesota (+1½)

"We're talking about me, and then all of a sudden it's about you." Speaking of Peyton, he's not going to be the story here. No, the story is going to be Tarvaris Jackson. He really does appear to be getting a grasp on this whole NFL quarterback thing, and while his stat line might not be too gaudy, the result of this game is what people are going to be talking about Monday.

Prediction: Vikings by 1

San Francisco at Seattle (-8½)

"Are you breaking up with me?" "I'm breaking up with us." Matt Hasselbeck may not have the steady relationship with his receivers of years past, having been "dumped" by Deion Branch, Bobby Engram, Ben Obomanu, and now new "main squeeze" Nate Burleson. So what? Matt's a playa. He'll recover nicely and get all cozy with Logan Payne or Courtney Taylor. Whatever it takes to get the love.

Prediction: Seahawks by 6

Atlanta at Tampa Bay (-8½)

"You're too easy. Anyone ever tell you that?" "Not lately." This is not the Falcons team that lost two games to Tampa Bay by a combined score of 68-10 in 2007. But they're not yet at a level where they're ready to win this game. They'll be a tough opponent, but in the end, it's not yet their time.

Prediction: Bucs by 2

New England at Jets (-2½)

"I don't know why people cheat." "Who are you and why are you talking to me?" All right, that's a cheap shot. But if the shoe fits … Anyway, Matt Cassel has some mighty big shoes to fill. No, he's not as good as the man he's replacing. But he is still throwing the ball to Randy Moss and Wes Welker. The Jets still have to come up with an answer for that, and I'm not sure they will.

Prediction: Patriots by 8

Miami at Arizona (-6½)

"Yeah. I'm just wondering what happened to that guy I liked from a couple summers ago. Because this new one is an ass." Good idea, Mr. Parcells. Come on in and alienate the team's best defensive player. Then bring in a quarterback with a weak arm to go alongside your speedy receivers. This is what we call tarnishing an image.

Prediction: Cardinals by 8

Baltimore at Houston (-4½)

"There's a lot of temptation here. I'm concerned about how it's gonna affect the kids." Joe Flacco won his debut with his legs, and he may think he can do it again in Week 2. Unfortunately, Mario Williams and Demeco Ryans will be waiting for him if he does. Stay strong, Joe.

Prediction: Texans by 1

San Diego at Denver (+2½)

"This place definitely doesn't suck." "Welcome to California." Many folks are going to be quick to write off the Chargers, based on their Week 1 loss to Carolina. But Philip Rivers looked really good running that offense, and LaDainian Tomlinson appears to just be warming up. As good as the Broncos looked against the Raiders, this ain't the Raiders they're playing.

Prediction: Chargers by 8

Pittsburgh at Cleveland (+5½)

"Well, the Antichrist didn't trash me in front of half a million people. You did." Such hatred exists between these two cities, things always have the possibility of getting ugly when they square off. But in the end, if Willie Parker truly has got his "Fast" back, the "evil" Steelers will leave the Browns red-faced and beaten.

Prediction: Steelers by 7

Monday, September 15

Philadelphia at Dallas (-6½)

"Is it true? Are you cheating on me? Don't lie to me." This may be what loudmouth girlfriend Jessica Simpson is wondering after Tony Romo spends most of the night hugging his "friend" Terrell Owens. The two seem to have that special connection that's so hard to find. Not that there's anything wrong with that … unless you're an Eagles fan, that is.

Prediction: Cowboys by 6

The ESPN Eliminator requires that you make one and only one pick each week. You win and you live to pick again. You lose and it's all over. In Week 1, we survived with our top choice, the Patriots, which is a good thing, because those folks who looked elsewhere thinking they could wait until later in the year to use a "safe" pick learned there's really no such thing. Out of a possible score of 15 points, we only earned 8, as those Chargers fell one defensive stop short and the Colts got mauled by the Bears. That's fine. Just like Kelly Taylor, we'll do our best to overcome such early hardships and make something of ourselves. Here are our picks for Week 2:

DEFCON 5: Giants
DEFCON 4: Cardinals
DEFCON 3: Saints
DEFCON 2: Cowboys
DEFCON 1: Seahawks

Good luck to all of you, and in the immortal words of Dylan's dad, the late, great Jack McKay, "Live each day like it may be your last, because you never know."

AJ Mass is a fantasy football, baseball and college basketball analyst for ESPN.com. You can e-mail him here.